America desperately needs more PSYCHIC immigrants, illegal or otherwise.

 

Recently, there has been a lot of hubbub about the type of people immigrating to the United States Most of the talk is about who we shouldn’t let in. I’m here to tell you who we should welcome.

Plain and simple, we need to encourage more people with psychic powers to come to America. According to studies I have seen, we are not producing enough psychics domestically to meet 21^st century demands. Soon, other nations that value paranormal powers, like Russia, Nigeria and Romania, will surpass us in the number of psychically talented citizens they possess.

And that scares the hell out of me.

The solution? We need to encourage foreigners with mystical abilities to move here A.S.A.P., to make up for our domestic shortfall. America needs to do this in order to maintain a leadership role in UFO research, fortune-telling, ghost-hunting, ESP and other vital endeavors. This is a national security issue of the highest order. We must take action now, to keep our beloved nation safe from a surprise psychic attack launched from foreign shores.

What the incentive should be, I leave to persons more knowledgeable about such things. Perhaps it should be on a graduated scale depending on the psychic ability under question. For example, overseas UFO experts might receive a $10,000 bonus to move here, while crystal ball readers only get $2,000 cash, because we already have a sizable number of European gypsies in run-down urban strip malls.

Above all, psychic immigrants should receive instant U.S. citizenship, without the usual red tape. Case in point: right now hundreds of experienced South American Chupacabra fighters now languish in border camps, when they could be gainfully employed preventing the hideous night beasts from infesting U.S. soil.

IMHO this is an emergency situation. Lady Liberty needs to welcome foreign psychics with open arms, whether they arrive here via land, sea, air or the astral plane.

I’m afraid that we face total destruction in a psychic Pearl Harbor or 9/11 if we do not act.

And, regardless of race, creed, color or political persuasion, that is frightening for us all.

Signed,

A Reader in Massachusetts

Some people are psychic--and HATE IT!

 The syndrome, called "psychic self-hate," by paranormal psychologists, refers to the tendency of some psychically-gifted people to deny or disguise their abilities. 

In experiments, some psychic self-haters give so many wrong answers that it simply proves their mind-boggling talent!

In one real-life case, a woman went on a date to a horse race track. She didn't know anything about horses or betting. Yet, when her date prodded her to make bets, she purposely bought tickets for losing horses--even though she wrote down on notepaper which horses would actually win.

In six out of seven cases, she was correct--but she didn't tell her date because she found him attractive--and thought her extraordinary psychic ability would scare him away!

Doc Paranormal

A dire warning for newbie psychics.

 

I’m afraid of amateur psychics. And a lot of them have popped up during the pandemic. In an attempt to learn a well-paying new skill, everyone from unemployed waitresses to out-of-work chicken slaughterers are delving into the Other Side. With catastrophic results for the untrained newbies and society at large.

I can’t tell you how many of their unsuspecting clients have been immeasurably harmed. People have gone insane when put into contact with the wrong deceased relative. In one case, a female client wound up channeling Ted Bundy when her spiritual adviser misspelled her dead father’s name. The séance became a slaughterhouse as the client, acting on Bundy’s orders, thrust a wrought-iron candleholder through the advisor’s skull. Fortunately, no charges were brought against the client. Possessed, she was considered a mere witness to Bundy’s mayhem.

In another case, a lonely male attempting to materialize in a Hollywood starlet’s bedroom took a wrong turn on the astral plane and instead emerged in the padded cell of a notorious sex criminal. Prison guards discovered him comatose the following morning, wearing nothing but a demure bridal veil of Kleenex and yellowed newspaper clippings.

I’m a veteran paranormal investigator warning all psychic newbies to learn before you leap into the Great Unknowable.

Here are thirteen essential tips to get you started. Ignore my advice and the results could be catastrophic on a very personal level. That is, unless you want to summons the wrong spirits and turn your apartment into the infinite cauldron of Hell:

Never ask an angel if you can borrow its wings.

Don’t carry your crystal ball in a bowling bag.

Yes, werewolves do need a dog license.

Don’t play loud EVP noises after 10 p.m.

Sterilize pins before inserting them into voodoo dolls.

Never sit on a Faery’s lap.

Men: Don’t use psychokinesis to unbutton a woman’s shirt.

Women: Don’t slap a man’s face after intuiting his thoughts.

Never ask the Devil if you can touch his tail. He HATES that.

Avoid telling Zeus you like Santa Claus better.

Martians prefer to be call “citizens of the noble planet Mars.”

Mop up excess ectoplasm after a séance.

Cut off your hands to spite bad palm readers. I did. And I haven’t been bothered by one of those foolish idiots since.

Sincerely,

A reader in Canada