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Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Scientists Create Artificial Personalities for Those Who Have None.

   Here's what I'm being told:

     By 2021, at the latest, scientists expect an Artificial Personality product to be available for individuals who have been professionally diagnosed as wallflowers or bores.

     The device, available by prescription only, will sell for roughly $2,700. It will come in about 15 personalities, from coy and shy to ruthless and bold.

     Once injected, an individual will assume his or her new personality for approximately 4 hours, though a timed-release version lasting up to 36 hours (think Cialis), is already in development.

     Thus, for the first time in human history, dullards will be able to enjoy vivacious personalities unlike their own--with applications for romance, career advancement and, alas, politics.

posted by Doc Paranormal
Adjunct Professor of Esoteric Science
Edgar Allan Poe Community College

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Report: Restaurant Hires Uri Geller to Chill Patrons' Forks.

     Famed mentalist Uri Geller may have fallen on hard times, if what sources tell me is true.

     According to unconfirmed reports, Geller, famous for his spoon-bending exploits during the 70s and 80s, is going to be hired by a Moscow steak house to chill diners' forks with the power of his mind.

     As a Kremlin-watcher told me, "The chilled fork craze has hit Moscow with a vengeance. Looking to get a leg up on the competition, the exclusive steak house will hire Uri Geller to freeze forks table-side while chatting with a customer base composed of mobsters, oligarchs and corrupt politicians.

     "If successful, the program will grow to include the freezing of cutlery."

     reported by:
     Dan Lee Hope, Jr.
     Conspiracy Theories Curriculum
     Edgar Allan Poe Community College

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Charity Séance Collects Dollars from the Dead.

     A marathon, 24-hour séance has collected $1,763 to repair cracked crystal balls for indigent soothsayers, according to Heatherleen Glade, teaching assistant, Past Life Therapy at Edgar Allan Poe Community College.
    Heatherleen said the event took place in a Las Vegas hotel room about 75 miles from the EAPCC campus.
    “It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience,” Heatherleen told this reporter. “Fifteen of us held hands in a circle for 24 hours, surrounded by candles and the lively sounds of a Lindsay Stirling CD playing over and over again. The ever repeating music, while tedious in the extreme, did draw the attention of the leaping violinist’s many deceased fans.”
     Continued Heatherleen, “The money arrived in various ways. Typically a spirit would reveal where they had concealed cash when they were alive. Hundreds of dollars were found stashed inside VHS players, taped beneath cookie jars and at the bottom of urns filled with the ashes of loved ones.”
     Heatherleen said the lengthy séance tested the mettle of everyone involved. “We knew that if we broke the circle, many of the spirits would lose interest and go away. So we held hands continuously for all 24 hours, even during comfort breaks, when all fifteen of us would shuffle into the bathroom, turning our heads as each went to the toilet.
     “And holding hands throughout the séance created awkward moments at mealtime. Since we couldn’t grasp the food, it was shoved into our mouths by assistants who had cut it into bite-sized pieces. Drinking-wise, beverage containers were held beneath our chins and we sucked up the refreshing liquids through straws. All-in-all, the food was pretty good.”
     And how would Heatherleen feel about participating in another such lengthy séance?
     “At about the 12-hour mark my mind was screaming ‘never again!’ But know that I’ve had time to recover, I’m game to perform more charity work. Good deeds aren’t always easy!”
--reported by Doc Paranormal

Monday, October 3, 2016

Proof Men Suffer From Labor Pains, Too.


     I’m a regular guy and mill worker with strong links to my extended family.  Case in point:  one day last year I awoke at 1 a.m. with a very uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, cramps and a feeling of nausea.  Nevertheless, I went to work. But I felt terrible all morning.
     Then I was in for another shock.  At approximately noon, I heard the clear voice of my mother who had passed away five years earlier.  She stated the name of my niece, who was pregnant and due to give birth at any time.  Because of that, I got on my cell phone to check out if my niece was in labor.  There was no answer.  And then the pain I was feeling got even worse.  I was almost incapacitated.
     I decided to phone my sister who lives close to my niece, but before I could punch in her number, the pain that had been tormenting me stopped as abruptly as it had started.  Somehow, deep inside, I knew that the end of my misery meant that my niece had given birth.  When I told my co-workers, they just looked at me with disbelief—which isn’t really surprising since I’m six-feet, two inches, with Elvis-style sideburns, and weigh more than 240 pounds. To show I was right, I called my sister again—and sure enough, my niece had had her baby.  She’d been in labor since about one in the morning, the time my own internal cramps had begun.  And she had given birth at the exact time my pain had ceased. 
     I now have a tremendous appreciation for what women go through.  I once had a three-inch gash across my forehead due to a work-related accident, but this labor pain stuff was even worse.
     Unfortunately, my labor pains have started again on a daily basis.  All week long, sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night, I break out in a cold sweat and feel like screaming in pain.
     Now I’m worried that my new empathy is making me experience the labor pains of local moms-to-be—every one of them!
     At least, those ladies eventually wind up with a beautiful child in their arms.  But, when my sympathetic labor pains ease, I have nothing to show for it.  What am I supposed to do—“man up” and take it?

     Name withheld on request.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Crop Circles Turn Up On Hairy Guy's Back

     I’m a man with an excess body hair problem that has made me the object of ridicule since puberty. At the age of thirteen, when most of my buddies sported a whisker or two, I grew a full hipster beard to hide my acne. I became successful with girls, I guess, as sort of a whiskery novelty item.
     But things went haywire over the next few years. By sixteen, I had thick tufts of wiry black hair on the top of my shoulders and so much “fur” on my torso and legs that the gym coach made me wear a full-body wet suit during swim class. He said he was worried my loose hairs would clog the filter, but I think he did it just to humiliate me.
     I became an introvert. After graduating from high school, I took a job as a night janitor in an empty office tower so no one could see me. I threw in the towel and gave up on shaving. One Christmas I dyed my beard white and played Santa Claus at a shopping mall. I wound up being so popular with the kids that I quit my janitor gig. Now, I’m already booked solid for the next two holiday seasons. Amazingly, I earn enough as Santa Claus every winter to take the summer months off—when I allow my beard to go back to black.
     This is where my problems with crop circles began. My confidence renewed, I started going out more, even venturing to the beaches of Lake Michigan near where I live. I’m sure I must have been a ridiculous sight to some eyes, what with thick body hair everywhere, but secretly knowing I was the region’s #1 Santa Claus helped their wisecracks roll off my back.
     Then one afternoon, while on my favorite remote part of the beach, I woke up from a pleasant slumber to notice something strange on my back. Parts of it were completely bare. Large clumps of hair were in the sand surrounding my towel. I ran to my car two hundred yards away. Looking in the rear view mirror, I got the surprise of my life: an intricate pattern had been shaved on my back hair.
     I thought I had been the victim of pranksters until three months later when I saw an online photo of a crop circle that had appeared in a farmer’s wheat field. Shockingly, it was the exact same pattern that had been fashioned in my body hair earlier that summer. I immediately emailed the website, but they didn’t want to do a story on me because my hair had grown back. I lacked visual proof.
     That was a crushing disappointment. However, I will swear to this day that the same entities that created the crop circle in the farmer’s wheat field cut the pattern on my back.
     I feel honored that I was chosen as the first human “canvas” for their 
mysterious art.

     I thank Edgar Allan Poe Community College for offering me this forum. However, due to the sicko current trend of shaming hairy men, I choose to remain anonymous.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Why Zach Galifianakis Should be Dead Already.

      While it’s a pain in my arthritic fingers to write about actors with long last names, I’ll make an exception in the case of Zach Galifianakis–you know, the bearded guy in The Hangoversssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
     Because Zach G. should be dead already.
     A survey of contemporary obese film comedians shows why.
     John Belushi, the template for today’s fat funnymen, had a brief film career (as a named character), from Animal House in 1978 to Neighbors in 1981. That’s three years. He died after injecting a combination cocaine and heroin.
     Fellow overweight SNL alumni Chris Farley first appeared on the silver screen in Coneheads (1993). He last made audiences howl hysterically in Almost Heroes (1998). Five years. He passed on after a night of snorting drugs with a hooker.
     Canadian heavyweight John Candy outlasted them both, from a role in Steven Spielberg’s 1941 (1979) to Michael Moore’s Canadian Bacon in 1995. An amazing 16 years of celluloid chuckles. A heart attack brought him down.
     Which brings us to the talented Zach G. While few paid attention, Zach was in 3 movies in 2001, including the infamous Corky Romano. Audiences fell in love with the bearded laugh-producer in 2009′s The Hangover, a torrid affair that will continue, I'm sure, through this year’s Masterminds. That’s 15 years.
     Let’s crunch the numbers: Belushi 3 years, Farley 5, Candy 16. Average 8.
Zach G.: 15  and counting. Which means he has already outlasted his three predecessors by seven years. Is Zach G. living on borrowed time? Audiences and this pundit hope not.
     However, as one wag from the Other Side warned me, “Ever since Belushi, overweight comics have felt pressured to please demanding fans by indulging their every whim, from binge-eating  to copious drinking, illicit drug use and wild sex romps. More than ever, audiences want fat stars to live large and exhibit a devil-may-care attitude towards their health and well-being.

    “They need their flabby funny guys to enjoy being slobs.  Zach G. has a long track record of hilarious performances. But unless Zach can resist public pressure, he’ll be joining Belushi, Candy and Farley in the Afterlife soon.”
reported by: 
Abraham Tribesky, M.D.
95-Year-Old Psychiatrist to Deceased Hollywood Stars
Adjunct Professor, Afterlife Issues, Edgar Allan Poe Community College

Friday, September 23, 2016

12 Shocking Celebrity Predictions for the Rest of 2016!

   I swear a solemn oath that these bold predictions will be widely praised as accurate before 2016 A.D. comes to a crashing close.

     Yours Truly,

     Precept Tabernacle Perfect
     World’s #1 Nigerian Soothsayer
     137% Accuracy Record
     Adjunct Professor of Prophecy, International Finance and Horror Film Production
     Edgar Allan Poe Community College
     Resident of Las Vegas pending extradition hearings

     This I Predict!!! So It Shall Be!!!

 1. Angelina Jolie will adopt ex-husband Brad Pitt.

 2. Comedian Leslie Jones will spend an unprecedented 60 consecutive minutes not trying to call attention to herself. It will be discovered that she was under sedation having a root canal.

 3. The MacGyver reboot will be cancelled before anyone learns the name of the new blond dude who plays MacGyver. On a positive note, his hair will win an Emmy.

4. Actor George Clooney will be caught pleasuring himself while watching ER reruns on the Washington Metro prior to testifying before Congress about a subject with which he is absolutely unfamiliar.

5. Survivor: U.S. contestants will live on a foreclosed island, scratching out a living on the minimum wage.

6. The entire cast of the next Big Brother will be out-of-work Twilight series stars.

7. McG will direct a re-make of Gone with the Wind, featuring Lady Gaga as Scarlett O’Hara and Dwyane "The Rock" Johnson as Rhett Butler.

8. Two weeks after that, Steven Spielberg will reveal his long-held plan to remake GWTW as a feature-length Claymation cartoon, with four pounds of genuine Georgia clay in the lead roles.

9. Adam Sandler will make a funny movie. Stunned beyond belief, Leonard Maltin will be wheeled from the screening on a gurney, suffering cardiac arrest.

10. Kanye West will be found dead. Twenty-four hours later, Kim Kardashian will wed O.J. Simpson.

11. Michael Strahan will reveal he is suffering from post-concussion syndrome after tackling and spiking George Stephanopoulos before a live audience on the set of Good Morning America.

12. It will dawn on even die-hard Bjork fans that she hasn't written a sing-along melody in her entire career.