Noteworthy Faculty Members:
Adjunct Professor, Cryptozoology and Civil Disobedience
Ravishing red meat-eater (cattle are not an endangered species), yet fierce defender of paranormal animals, Janie, 32, heads the International Society for the Preservation of Paranormal Abominations when she isn’t teaching cryptozoology and civil disobedience at EAPCC.
A native Amazonian, Janie grew up on the banks of the mighty river, an orphan who spent as much time with wild animals as with people. A messy divorce from a rapacious rubber baron who forced her into a youthful marriage has left Rulen with a fortune estimated in the hundreds of millions.
When not devising clever strategies and facing physical danger as ISPPA’s founder and president, Janie relaxes by butchering beef with classic Old World methods. Favorite paranormal animal: The Mongolian Death Worm.
Adjunct Professsor At Large in
Speciality: E.U. Occult
Father of eight, this rising Romanian entrepreneur’s earliest venture was hawking vampire kitsch to gullible tourists outside an ersatz “Dracula’s Castle.” He was five years old at the time.
Desperate creativity led to his first real success: Romanian Werewolf Bus Tours, where wealthy sightseers observe werewolves in their natural Transylvanian habitat. Despite last year’s gruesome rendering of an American couple, Mr. Duprei assures all, “Romanian Werewolf Bus Tours are absolutely safe if you remain in the vehicle, which the unfortunate but very stupid Americans did not.”
Now well-off himself despite being deeply indebted to the Russian Mob, this foremost expert on occult behavior in seemingly rational European Union nations is a welcome addition to the EAPCC faculty.
Adjunct Professor Without Portfolio
Diagnosed as a young boy with a bi-polar I.Q. of 34 to 171—that could shift between one extreme and another within minutes. In other words, one moment he’d be drooling—the next he was solving complex equations and writing his first symphony (which he later abandoned after dousing the score with Log Cabin Syrup, then shredding and eating it during a "low I.Q." episode.)
Doc is the only individual on record to have both flunked out and become valedictorian of his high school. At the age of sixteen, he was the first student ever to repeat first grade and be accepted by Harvard. After graduating six months later, without forewarning he became a paranormal reporter, composing a landmark investigative piece on invisible dogs.
Today at age 31 Doctor Paranormal’s I.Q. is fairly stable, ranging between 98 and 105, a level appropriate to his current status as journalist and adjunct chancellor of EAPCC.
At EAPCC, he is “proud to be training the next generation of working-class paranormalists, including apprentice dowsers, séance coordinators and UFO research technicians.” In addition to his other duties, this tireless professional serves as executive editor for cutting-edge school newspaper The Bird. Lacking any special paranormal abilities, no one really knows why he is here.
Prefect Tabernacle Perfect:
Visiting Professor, Film Production and International Finance
EAPCC is honored by the presence of Prefect Tabernacle Perfect, Supreme Oracle, Advisor to World Leaders and Sole Proprietor of the Holy Umbrella of Spiritual, Awareness, LLC, a center of prophecy, sound advice and junk bond trading found in several undisclosed locations in Lagos, Nigeria. “While some egocentric prophets claim an accuracy rate in the 80th percentile, over the years, mine have been correct 137% of the time,” the Prefect says, “That’s right! Often my prophecies are accurate in several areas at once, such as politics, romance and sports.”
The Prefect’s main business, The Holy Umbrella of Spiritual Awareness, “is an employer of so many people I cannot tell you, for my competitors would be jealous. Suffice it to say that I am the biggest owner of e-mail servers and international phone lines in Festac and have caused countless parishioners to become rich beyond their wildest dreams. Without taking an American cent in compensation, I might add!”
As a hobby, the Prefect has produced 800 Nollywood suspense films with combined budgets in excess of $750,000
U.S. Among the titles are “Vultures
Kill People,” “Where’s My Leg?” “Attack of the British Lepers,” and the #1
selling pirated copy of the Hollywood hit “The Expendables,” subtitled in 327 of
Nigeria’s 521 languages, with 30 bonus minutes of inserted footage featuring a
close relative of West Africa’s biggest star, Chidi George.
Once again, EAPCC is proud to host Prefect Tabernacle Perfect and wishes him a successful conclusion to the legal entanglements that have forced him to ankle his beloved
Nigeria for the foreseeable future.
Dr. Abraham Tribesky
Adjunct Professor, Afterlife Issues
Only son of a widowed Viennese charwoman, self-taught psychiatrist Abraham Tribesky analyzed his first patient at the age of nine, when his mother’s unreliable client, pioneer shrink Sigmund Freud, blew off another appointment. Abraham, prematurely gray and balding due to childhood exposure to char, successfully pulled off the ruse. His mother pocketed the fee and the pair launched a successful career, filling in for an unwitting Freud when the legend forgot to show up.
The subterfuge worked so well that some early photos of Freud are actually Abraham. Unfortunately, that phase of his life came to an abrupt end when Freud was tipped off that Abraham had booked an American lecture tour under Sigmund’s name. After changing his appearance radically to avoid further confusion, Abraham fled with his mother to
Los Angeles, where he established a
flourishing trade catering to the vanities of neurotic Hollywood
stars and starlets.
Today, the 95-year-old therapist has a practice consisting entirely of deceased celebrities. You heard correctly—the spirits of dead
Hollywood stars, including Marilyn Monroe and other
ghostly glitteri. But that didn’t happen the day he arrived in Tinseltown. “No,
no, no,” Dr. Tribesky admits, “That came decades later when my original clients
began dying off. I mean when you’ve been in practice for nine decades like me,
it happens, you know.”
Thankfully, Dr. Tribesky’s sage expertise is now available to EAPCC students.