Edgar Allan Poe Community College

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Thursday, September 29, 2016

Why Zach Galifianakis Should be Dead Already.

      While it’s a pain in my arthritic fingers to write about actors with long last names, I’ll make an exception in the case of Zach Galifianakis–you know, the bearded guy in The Hangoversssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
     Because Zach G. should be dead already.
     A survey of contemporary obese film comedians shows why.
     John Belushi, the template for today’s fat funnymen, had a brief film career (as a named character), from Animal House in 1978 to Neighbors in 1981. That’s three years. He died after injecting a combination cocaine and heroin.
     Fellow overweight SNL alumni Chris Farley first appeared on the silver screen in Coneheads (1993). He last made audiences howl hysterically in Almost Heroes (1998). Five years. He passed on after a night of snorting drugs with a hooker.
     Canadian heavyweight John Candy outlasted them both, from a role in Steven Spielberg’s 1941 (1979) to Michael Moore’s Canadian Bacon in 1995. An amazing 16 years of celluloid chuckles. A heart attack brought him down.
     Which brings us to the talented Zach G. While few paid attention, Zach was in 3 movies in 2001, including the infamous Corky Romano. Audiences fell in love with the bearded laugh-producer in 2009′s The Hangover, a torrid affair that will continue, I'm sure, through this year’s Masterminds. That’s 15 years.
     Let’s crunch the numbers: Belushi 3 years, Farley 5, Candy 16. Average 8.
Zach G.: 15  and counting. Which means he has already outlasted his three predecessors by seven years. Is Zach G. living on borrowed time? Audiences and this pundit hope not.
     However, as one wag from the Other Side warned me, “Ever since Belushi, overweight comics have felt pressured to please demanding fans by indulging their every whim, from binge-eating  to copious drinking, illicit drug use and wild sex romps. More than ever, audiences want fat stars to live large and exhibit a devil-may-care attitude towards their health and well-being.

    “They need their flabby funny guys to enjoy being slobs.  Zach G. has a long track record of hilarious performances. But unless Zach can resist public pressure, he’ll be joining Belushi, Candy and Farley in the Afterlife soon.”
reported by: 
Abraham Tribesky, M.D.
95-Year-Old Psychiatrist to Deceased Hollywood Stars
Adjunct Professor, Afterlife Issues, Edgar Allan Poe Community College

Monday, September 19, 2016

What it means to dream of Keystone Light.

  Dreaming of Keystone Light beer indicates you're on the slippery slope of downward mobility. Your life is over, finished, whether you are 20 or 35. You have huge student loans, an education of limited monetary value and small hope of remaining a member of the middle class into which you were born.
     Silver lining: If you awakened from your dream with your face in the gutter, your mouth a receptacle for diluted urine and cigarette butts, you have nearly hit bottom.

Dream On!

Dawnlee Hope, Jr.
Undergraduate Student
Dream Interpretation Curriculum