Edgar Allan Poe Community College

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Thursday, September 29, 2016

Why Zach Galifianakis Should be Dead Already.

                    
      While it’s a pain in my arthritic fingers to write about actors with long last names, I’ll make an exception in the case of Zach Galifianakis–you know, the bearded guy in The Hangoversssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
     Because Zach G. should be dead already.
     A survey of contemporary obese film comedians shows why.
     John Belushi, the template for today’s fat funnymen, had a brief film career (as a named character), from Animal House in 1978 to Neighbors in 1981. That’s three years. He died after injecting a combination cocaine and heroin.
     Fellow overweight SNL alumni Chris Farley first appeared on the silver screen in Coneheads (1993). He last made audiences howl hysterically in Almost Heroes (1998). Five years. He passed on after a night of snorting drugs with a hooker.
     Canadian heavyweight John Candy outlasted them both, from a role in Steven Spielberg’s 1941 (1979) to Michael Moore’s Canadian Bacon in 1995. An amazing 16 years of celluloid chuckles. A heart attack brought him down.
     Which brings us to the talented Zach G. While few paid attention, Zach was in 3 movies in 2001, including the infamous Corky Romano. Audiences fell in love with the bearded laugh-producer in 2009′s The Hangover, a torrid affair that will continue, I'm sure, through this year’s Masterminds. That’s 15 years.
     Let’s crunch the numbers: Belushi 3 years, Farley 5, Candy 16. Average 8.
Zach G.: 15  and counting. Which means he has already outlasted his three predecessors by seven years. Is Zach G. living on borrowed time? Audiences and this pundit hope not.
     However, as one wag from the Other Side warned me, “Ever since Belushi, overweight comics have felt pressured to please demanding fans by indulging their every whim, from binge-eating  to copious drinking, illicit drug use and wild sex romps. More than ever, audiences want fat stars to live large and exhibit a devil-may-care attitude towards their health and well-being.

    “They need their flabby funny guys to enjoy being slobs.  Zach G. has a long track record of hilarious performances. But unless Zach can resist public pressure, he’ll be joining Belushi, Candy and Farley in the Afterlife soon.”
reported by: 
Abraham Tribesky, M.D.
95-Year-Old Psychiatrist to Deceased Hollywood Stars
Adjunct Professor, Afterlife Issues, Edgar Allan Poe Community College

Friday, September 23, 2016

12 Shocking Celebrity Predictions for the Rest of 2016!

   I swear a solemn oath that these bold predictions will be widely praised as accurate before 2016 A.D. comes to a crashing close.

     Yours Truly,

     Precept Tabernacle Perfect
     World’s #1 Nigerian Soothsayer
     137% Accuracy Record
     Adjunct Professor of Prophecy, International Finance and Horror Film Production
     Edgar Allan Poe Community College
     Resident of Las Vegas pending extradition hearings

     
     This I Predict!!! So It Shall Be!!!

 1. Angelina Jolie will adopt ex-husband Brad Pitt.

 2. Comedian Leslie Jones will spend an unprecedented 60 consecutive minutes not trying to call attention to herself. It will be discovered that she was under sedation having a root canal.

 3. The MacGyver reboot will be cancelled before anyone learns the name of the new blond dude who plays MacGyver. On a positive note, his hair will win an Emmy.

4. Actor George Clooney will be caught pleasuring himself while watching ER reruns on the Washington Metro prior to testifying before Congress about a subject with which he is absolutely unfamiliar.

5. Survivor: U.S. contestants will live on a foreclosed island, scratching out a living on the minimum wage.

6. The entire cast of the next Big Brother will be out-of-work Twilight series stars.

7. McG will direct a re-make of Gone with the Wind, featuring Lady Gaga as Scarlett O’Hara and Dwyane "The Rock" Johnson as Rhett Butler.

8. Two weeks after that, Steven Spielberg will reveal his long-held plan to remake GWTW as a feature-length Claymation cartoon, with four pounds of genuine Georgia clay in the lead roles.

9. Adam Sandler will make a funny movie. Stunned beyond belief, Leonard Maltin will be wheeled from the screening on a gurney, suffering cardiac arrest.

10. Kanye West will be found dead. Twenty-four hours later, Kim Kardashian will wed O.J. Simpson.

11. Michael Strahan will reveal he is suffering from post-concussion syndrome after tackling and spiking George Stephanopoulos before a live audience on the set of Good Morning America.

12. It will dawn on even die-hard Bjork fans that she hasn't written a sing-along melody in her entire career.
     

Monday, September 19, 2016

What it means to dream of Keystone Light.

  Dreaming of Keystone Light beer indicates you're on the slippery slope of downward mobility. Your life is over, finished, whether you are 20 or 35. You have huge student loans, an education of limited monetary value and small hope of remaining a member of the middle class into which you were born.
     Silver lining: If you awakened from your dream with your face in the gutter, your mouth a receptacle for diluted urine and cigarette butts, you have nearly hit bottom.

Dream On!

Dawnlee Hope, Jr.
Undergraduate Student
Dream Interpretation Curriculum