Edgar Allan Poe Community College

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Saturday, March 28, 2015

Plans to Broadcast Fox News in Outer Space

Sources tell me that a group of forward-thinking fundamentalist Christians is raising funds to purchase the decommissioned space shuttle Discovery currently on display at the Smithsonian Institution.

What are they going to do with it? That's the amazing part. The group plans to use the Discovery to transport equipment into leased space on the International Space Station, allowing it to broadcast the entire Fox News lineup into the far reaches of space. Yes, that means Sean, Megyn, O'Reilly and the rest of the gang may one day be available throughout the Universe (signal power will initially be limited to our own solar system).

What the group expects to gain from the endeavor is unknown. But I can confirm that neither Rupert Murdoch or News Corp. is involved in the costly effort.

Which raises a series of thorny issues:

Why are the fundamentalists spending millions to promote Fox News rather than their own well-traveled message that is currently enjoying much success in the Third World, if not America and Europe?

Will Megyn Kelly's sexy appeal "play well" beyond Earth?

How will Neilsen measure the increase in Fox viewership (assuming there is life on other planets)?

What do NASA and Scott Kelly think?

I'll address those questions in a future post.

Dan Lee Hope, Jr.
Undergraduate Student
Conspiracy Theories Curriculum
Edgar Allan Poe Community College

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Women's Intuition Saved 10,500 Lives Last Year.

     According to statistics complied by Edgar Allan Poe Community College, women's intuition saved 10,500 lives in 2014. The multi-disciplinary study found that the often-derided supernatural ability was actually effective on a number of fronts--and that many female premonitions saved lives.
     According to teaching assistant Heatherleen Glade, who lead the study, "This proves that every woman, no matter whether she's a municipal court judge or a street-walking prostitute, should pay close attention to her own intuition.
     "We found that females effectively used their intuition to save over ten thousand lives. Cases included a mother's sense that she shouldn't drive her kids to school during a Category Five tornado; a Florida judge who 'just knew' an accused killer was guilty; and the aforementioned streetwalker, who decided at the last moment not to climb into a darkened van with a knife-wielding john--even though he offered her a free hit on his crack pipe."
     Ms. Glade said she has launched a similar study for 2015. "We want to find if women save more lives this year by trusting their instincts. If so, we believe that female intuition should then be considered among our most precious natural resources."