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Sunday, June 7, 2015

Do Plus-Sized Models Lose Weight In Heaven?

Dear Readers:

This may seem like a silly thing to talk about, but my friend and I had a sizzling debate last night in our dorm room here at Edgar Poe Community College. It was about Heaven.

Okay, here goes: I think that if a tragedy strikes a plus-sized model--for example, getting killed in a car accident--she enters Heaven weighing the same as she did on Earth.

On the other hand, my friend believes that if a youth is accidentally killed, she enters Heaven at her ideal weight. In other words, a size 22 model will slim down to a size 2--like magic, I guess--the instant she passes through the Gates of Heaven. The opposite would happen to an anorexic model.

I'd like to hear your opinions, dear readers. Which one of us is right??

Dawnlee Hope, Jr.
Undergraduate Student

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Women's Intuition Saved 10,500 Lives Last Year.

     According to statistics complied by Edgar Allan Poe Community College, women's intuition saved 10,500 lives in 2014. The multi-disciplinary study found that the often-derided supernatural ability was actually effective on a number of fronts--and that many female premonitions saved lives.
     According to teaching assistant Heatherleen Glade, who lead the study, "This proves that every woman, no matter whether she's a municipal court judge or a street-walking prostitute, should pay close attention to her own intuition.
     "We found that females effectively used their intuition to save over ten thousand lives. Cases included a mother's sense that she shouldn't drive her kids to school during a Category Five tornado; a Florida judge who 'just knew' an accused killer was guilty; and the aforementioned streetwalker, who decided at the last moment not to climb into a darkened van with a knife-wielding john--even though he offered her a free hit on his crack pipe."
     Ms. Glade said she has launched a similar study for 2015. "We want to find if women save more lives this year by trusting their instincts. If so, we believe that female intuition should then be considered among our most precious natural resources."


Friday, February 13, 2015

Portland, Oregon Bums Share 40s With Angel.

On February 12, a tall bearded old man, all dressed in white, made his ethereal presence known beneath the Burnside Bridge in downtown Portland, Oregon. 

Although food was scarce, four homeless men invited the stranger to share their sparse meal of a Bonus Jack, six relish packets and two 40-ounce bottles of Olde English 800 malt liquor. The bearded sage ate and drank quickly and asked the men how much he owed them.

When the derelicts refused payment, the man said in a powerful voice, "Well, if you charge me nothing for my dinner and drink, may God bless you and peace be with you." Then then old man walked away, disappearing quickly into the darkness.

Incredibly, although the old man had been seen drinking deeply from one of the 40s, when he left the bottle was full.
Since that night's visit by the mysterious stranger, the kindly band of down-on-their-luck drunkards has never been short of malt liquor. 

Because the bottle of Olde English that caressed the lips of the elderly angel magically replenishes itself again and again.   

Reporter's note: Hundreds of parched vagrants now visit the site nightly to drink from the bottomless wellspring of malt liquor.


Edgar Allan Poe Community College newsroom

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Whitney Houston Enters Rehab In Heaven.

There is an upside to the tragic 2012 death of singer Whitney Houston, I can exclusively report.

A reliable source on the Other Side tells me that the Grammy-winning chanteuse has just decided to enter rehab to recover from her alleged drug and alcohol addictions.

“Whitney has been informed about Bobbi Kristina,” the source told me. “So, in a dramatic shift, she’s decided to abandon the wild lifestyle she continued to flaunt in Heaven.


     Dead celebrities are just as f****d up in the Afterlife as they are on Earth, according to Dr. Abraham Tribesky, psychiatrist to deceased Hollywood stars.
     In his shocking new ebook, Michael Jackson is Being Harassed in Heaven($2.99 Kindle), Dr. Tribesky reveals the tabloid-worthy lifestyles and outrageous opinions of his famous neurotics from the Other Side. Like:
     *Lady Gaga Banned from Rock 'n Roll Heaven
     *DJ Decapitates Fan with Flying Vinyl (Is Biggie's Ghost to Blame?)
     *Sinatra's Frank Advice for Justin Bieber.
     *Same Ghost Appears in 20 Episodes of Paranormal State!

     MICHAEL JACKSON IS BEING HARASSED IN HEAVEN, by Dr. Abraham Tribesky, psychiatrist to deceased Hollywood Stars ($2.99 Kindle).

“Starting today, Whitney plans to devote herself entirely to music. It's the one thing that makes her happier than a crackhead with a kilo-size pipe.

“Bobbi Kristina is Whitney's wake-up call. She’s going to live life one day at a time for an eternity."

I’ll update this story as the situation warrants.

Abraham Tribesky
95-Year-Old Psychiatrist to Deceased Hollywood Stars
Adjunct Professor: Afterlife Issues EDGAR ALLAN POE COMMUNITY COLLEGE