Already beleaguered American workers will soon be receiving pay envelopes containing lottery tickets instead of paychecks, a soothsayer revealed in a just-completed seance.
According to the soothsayer, wages will fall to the point that, by the end of 2020, employees will gladly accept lottery tickets instead of cash--with the hope that they can make ends meet if they "hit the jackpot."
This reporter attended the seance at the request of The Lovely Darlene, a mystic who advises several noted Wall Street hedge fund managers and is unwilling to give out her last name.
The vast corporate boardroom was dark and the accompanying music was appropriately soothing. This reporter was told, but could not confirm, that violinist Leslie Stirling played throughout the seance from behind a wind-swept black satin sheet.
The takeaway:
According to the Lovely Darlene, one out of every thirteen million American workers will become obscenely rich under this new policy. One out of every million will win a loaded 2020 model Toyota Corolla, within which to sit while waiting in a 2-mile-long food line. The remainder will need to remain patient until their next pay cycle and the fresh prospect of a winning ticket.
reported by:
Dawnlee Hope, Jr.
Undergraduate Student
Conspiracy Theories Curriculum
Edgar Allan Poe Community College
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