Lawyer Still Trick Or Treating At Age 45.

 I have a sweet tooth the size of Alaska. That’s why when Halloween rolls around I break out the shopping bags and go begging.

Some people may say I suffer from a case of arrested development, but where on the law books is there a statute of limitations on trick-or-treating? I should know—I’m a lawyer.

At forty-five, it’s not easy to pretend I’m a kid. I’m five-ten and two hundred-plus pounds. In addition, I have the beginnings of a bald spot on the top of my head and a case of five o’clock shadow that’s impossible to disguise.

But I’m nothing if not ingenious. Last year I taped wrapping paper and ribbon around some cardboard boxes and went as a stack of Christmas presents. All you could see of me were my baby blues through the eye holes. The optical illusion created by my arrangement of presents made it impossible to figure out my true height. I netted thirty pounds of candy after tossing out the fruit and related junk.

One advantage of trick-or-treating at my age is that I have a longer stride and can cover more ground than the typical nine-year-old. Plus I keep an up-to-date database on the best and worst neighborhoods for candy that includes the number of lit and unlit porch lights, pumpkin sizes, types of treats and so on. Each year, I eliminate homes that have been declining in two or more categories and upload the results to my computer.

I couldn’t pull off a successful night of begging without it. For instance, there’s a rich financier a few blocks away who always has full-size Hershey Bars. Consulting my computer before going out, I’m reminded that the financier’s maid and butler alternate at the door. Knowing this allows me to hit the house twice, if I time it right.

As far as getting caught, the closest I ever came was three years ago at my parents’ house. My mother seemed to recognize my voice when I yelled “trick-or-treat!” But she’s elderly, so I just grabbed and ran before she could put it all together. Boy, were my underarms wet.

But the best part of Halloween for me is the rest of the year. I can’t tell you how satisfying it is to offer a client candy from the Wedgwood jar on my desk, then pop some into my own mouth. With only me knowing my Halloween secret.   

As told to Doc Paranormal

Adjunct Professor-At-Large

Edgar Allan Poe Community College

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America desperately needs more PSYCHIC immigrants, illegal or otherwise!

 Recently, there has been a lot of hubbub about the type of people immigrating to the United States Most of the talk is about who we shouldn’t let in. I’m here to tell you who we should welcome.

Plain and simple, we need to encourage more people with psychic powers to come to America. According to studies I have seen, we are not producing enough psychics domestically to meet 21^st century demands. Soon, other nations that value paranormal powers, like Russia, Nigeria and Romania, will surpass us in the number of psychically talented citizens they possess.

And that scares the hell out of me.

The solution? We need to encourage foreigners with mystical abilities to move here A.S.A.P., to make up for our domestic shortfall. America needs to do this in order to maintain a leadership role in UFO research, fortune-telling, ghost-hunting, ESP and other vital endeavors. This is a national security issue of the highest order. We must take action now, to keep our beloved nation safe from a surprise psychic attack launched from foreign shores.

What the incentive should be, I leave to persons more knowledgeable about such things. Perhaps it should be on a graduated scale depending on the psychic ability under question. For example, overseas UFO experts might receive a $10,000 bonus to move here, while crystal ball readers only get $2,000 cash, because we already have a sizable number of European gypsies in run-down urban strip malls.

Above all, psychic immigrants should receive instant U.S. citizenship, without the usual red tape. Case in point: right now hundreds of experienced South American Chupacabra fighters now languish in border camps, when they could be gainfully employed preventing the hideous night beasts from infesting U.S. soil.

IMHO this is an emergency situation. Lady Liberty needs to welcome foreign psychics with open arms, whether they arrive here via land, sea, air or the astral plane.

I’m afraid that we face total destruction in a psychic Pearl Harbor or 9/11 if we do not act.

And, regardless of race, creed, color or political persuasion, that is frightening for us all.

Signed,

Heatherleen Glade