I’m afraid of amateur psychics. And a lot of them have
popped up during the pandemic. In an attempt to learn a well-paying new skill,
everyone from unemployed waitresses to out-of-work chicken slaughterers are
delving into the Other Side. With catastrophic results for the untrained
newbies and society at large.
I can’t tell you how many of their unsuspecting
clients have been immeasurably harmed. People have gone insane when put into
contact with the wrong deceased relative. In one case, a female client wound up
channeling Ted Bundy when her spiritual adviser misspelled her dead father’s
name. The séance became a slaughterhouse as the client, acting on Bundy’s
orders, thrust a wrought-iron candleholder through the advisor’s skull.
Fortunately, no charges were brought against the client. Possessed, she was
considered a mere witness to Bundy’s mayhem.
In another case, a lonely male attempting to
materialize in a Hollywood starlet’s bedroom took a wrong turn on the astral
plane and instead emerged in the padded cell of a notorious sex criminal.
Prison guards discovered him comatose the following morning, wearing nothing
but a demure bridal veil of Kleenex and yellowed newspaper clippings.
I’m a veteran paranormal investigator warning all
psychic newbies to learn before you leap into the Great Unknowable.
Here are thirteen essential tips to get you started. Ignore
my advice and the results could be catastrophic on a very personal level. That
is, unless you want to summons the wrong spirits and turn your apartment into
the infinite cauldron of Hell:
Never ask an angel if you can borrow its wings.
Don’t carry your crystal ball in a bowling bag.
Yes, werewolves do need a dog license.
Don’t play loud EVP noises after 10 p.m.
Sterilize pins before inserting them into voodoo
dolls.
Never sit on a Faery’s lap.
Men: Don’t use psychokinesis to unbutton a woman’s
shirt.
Women: Don’t slap a man’s face after intuiting his
thoughts.
Never ask the Devil if you can touch his tail. He
HATES that.
Avoid telling Zeus you like Santa Claus better.
Martians prefer to be call “citizens of the noble
planet Mars.”
Mop up excess ectoplasm after a séance.
Cut off your hands to spite bad palm readers. I did.
And I haven’t been bothered by one of those foolish idiots since.
Sincerely,
A reader in Canada
