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Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Scientists Create Artificial Personalities for Those Who Have None.

   Here's what I'm being told:

     By 2021, at the latest, scientists expect an Artificial Personality product to be available for individuals who have been professionally diagnosed as wallflowers or bores.

     The device, available by prescription only, will sell for roughly $2,700. It will come in about 15 personalities, from coy and shy to ruthless and bold.

     Once injected, an individual will assume his or her new personality for approximately 4 hours, though a timed-release version lasting up to 36 hours (think Cialis), is already in development.

     Thus, for the first time in human history, dullards will be able to enjoy vivacious personalities unlike their own--with applications for romance, career advancement and, alas, politics.

posted by Doc Paranormal
Adjunct Professor of Esoteric Science
Edgar Allan Poe Community College

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Report: Restaurant Hires Uri Geller to Chill Patrons' Forks.

     Famed mentalist Uri Geller may have fallen on hard times, if what sources tell me is true.

     According to unconfirmed reports, Geller, famous for his spoon-bending exploits during the 70s and 80s, is going to be hired by a Moscow steak house to chill diners' forks with the power of his mind.

     As a Kremlin-watcher told me, "The chilled fork craze has hit Moscow with a vengeance. Looking to get a leg up on the competition, the exclusive steak house will hire Uri Geller to freeze forks table-side while chatting with a customer base composed of mobsters, oligarchs and corrupt politicians.

     "If successful, the program will grow to include the freezing of cutlery."

     reported by:
     Dan Lee Hope, Jr.
     Conspiracy Theories Curriculum
     Edgar Allan Poe Community College