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Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Scientists Create Artificial Personalities for Those Who Have None.

   Here's what I'm being told:

     By 2021, at the latest, scientists expect an Artificial Personality product to be available for individuals who have been professionally diagnosed as wallflowers or bores.

     The device, available by prescription only, will sell for roughly $2,700. It will come in about 15 personalities, from coy and shy to ruthless and bold.

     Once injected, an individual will assume his or her new personality for approximately 4 hours, though a timed-release version lasting up to 36 hours (think Cialis), is already in development.

     Thus, for the first time in human history, dullards will be able to enjoy vivacious personalities unlike their own--with applications for romance, career advancement and, alas, politics.

posted by Doc Paranormal
Adjunct Professor of Esoteric Science
Edgar Allan Poe Community College

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Report: Restaurant Hires Uri Geller to Chill Patrons' Forks.

     Famed mentalist Uri Geller may have fallen on hard times, if what sources tell me is true.

     According to unconfirmed reports, Geller, famous for his spoon-bending exploits during the 70s and 80s, is going to be hired by a Moscow steak house to chill diners' forks with the power of his mind.

     As a Kremlin-watcher told me, "The chilled fork craze has hit Moscow with a vengeance. Looking to get a leg up on the competition, the exclusive steak house will hire Uri Geller to freeze forks table-side while chatting with a customer base composed of mobsters, oligarchs and corrupt politicians.

     "If successful, the program will grow to include the freezing of cutlery."

     reported by:
     Dan Lee Hope, Jr.
     Conspiracy Theories Curriculum
     Edgar Allan Poe Community College

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Charity Séance Collects Dollars from the Dead.


    
     A marathon, 24-hour séance has collected $1,763 to repair cracked crystal balls for indigent soothsayers, according to Heatherleen Glade, teaching assistant, Past Life Therapy at Edgar Allan Poe Community College.
    Heatherleen said the event took place in a Las Vegas hotel room about 75 miles from the EAPCC campus.
    “It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience,” Heatherleen told this reporter. “Fifteen of us held hands in a circle for 24 hours, surrounded by candles and the lively sounds of a Lindsay Stirling CD playing over and over again. The ever repeating music, while tedious in the extreme, did draw the attention of the leaping violinist’s many deceased fans.”
     Continued Heatherleen, “The money arrived in various ways. Typically a spirit would reveal where they had concealed cash when they were alive. Hundreds of dollars were found stashed inside VHS players, taped beneath cookie jars and at the bottom of urns filled with the ashes of loved ones.”
     Heatherleen said the lengthy séance tested the mettle of everyone involved. “We knew that if we broke the circle, many of the spirits would lose interest and go away. So we held hands continuously for all 24 hours, even during comfort breaks, when all fifteen of us would shuffle into the bathroom, turning our heads as each went to the toilet.
     “And holding hands throughout the séance created awkward moments at mealtime. Since we couldn’t grasp the food, it was shoved into our mouths by assistants who had cut it into bite-sized pieces. Drinking-wise, beverage containers were held beneath our chins and we sucked up the refreshing liquids through straws. All-in-all, the food was pretty good.”
     And how would Heatherleen feel about participating in another such lengthy séance?
     “At about the 12-hour mark my mind was screaming ‘never again!’ But know that I’ve had time to recover, I’m game to perform more charity work. Good deeds aren’t always easy!”
--reported by Doc Paranormal