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Thursday, November 2, 2017

12 Shocking Celebrity Predictions for 2018

I swear a solemn oath that these bold predictions will be widely praised as accurate before 2018 A.D. comes to a crashing close.

Yours Truly,

Precept Tabernacle Perfect
World’s #1 Nigerian Soothsayer
137% Accuracy Record
Adjunct Professor of Prophecy, International Finance and Horror Film Production
Edgar Allan Poe Community College
Resident of Las Vegas pending extradition hearings

This I Predict!!! So It Shall Be!!!

1. Angelina Jolie will adopt ex-husband Brad Pitt.

2. Comedian Leslie Jones will spend an unprecedented 60 consecutive minutes not trying to call attention to herself. It will be discovered that she was under sedation having a root canal.

3. The MacGyver reboot will be cancelled, disappointing that blond dude who plays MacGyver. On a positive note, his hair will win an Emmy.

4. Actor George Clooney will be caught pleasuring himself while watching ER reruns on the Washington Metro prior to testifying before Congress about a subject with which he is absolutely unfamiliar.

5. Survivor: U.S. contestants will live on a foreclosed island, scratching out a living on the minimum wage.

                                                               a memoir by Peter Fenton
                       " A cross between Ferris Bueller and William S. Burroughs...a hilarious, twisted coming-of-age story"--New York Times

                                                  Published by Simon & Schuster

6. The entire cast of the next Big Brother will be out-of-work Twilight series stars.

7. McG will direct a re-make of Gone with the Wind, featuring Lady Gaga as Scarlett O’Hara and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Rhett Butler.

8. Two weeks after that, Steven Spielberg will reveal his long-held plan to remake GWTW as a feature-length Claymation cartoon, with four pounds of genuine Georgia clay in the lead roles.

9. Adam Sandler will make a funny movie. Stunned beyond belief, film critic Rex Reed will be wheeled from the screening on a gurney, suffering cardiac arrest.

10. Kanye West will be found dead. Twenty-four hours later, Kim Kardashian will wed O.J. Simpson.

11. Michael Strahan will reveal he is suffering from post-concussion syndrome after tackling and spiking George Stephanopoulos before a live audience on the set of Good Morning America.

12. It will dawn on even die-hard Bjork fans that she hasn't written a sing-along melody in her entire career.

                                                        THIS I PREDICT!!! SO IT SHALL BE!!!

Friday, October 27, 2017

DJ Decapitates Fan with Flying Vinyl.

   To: All Students
     From: Doc Paranormal
     Subject: Here's a touching letter I received. Caution: It may bring tears to your eyes as it did to mine:

    Dear Doc Paranormal:
    Seven years ago, my boyfriend, an aspiring DJ who I’ll call DJ Bus Stop, was returning from a 50 Cent concert when his brother, who was driving, ran the car off the road and into a concrete bench at–you guessed it–a bus stop. My boyfriend, who was standing up at the time heckling pedestrians through the moon roof, was catapulted forward onto the sidewalk.
     To make a long story short, my boyfriend was paralyzed from the neck down, tragically causing him to be unable to spin records anymore. So there was bad blood between us for the next several years when I got tired of rushing into the bedroom to put another twelve-inch record on the turntable or even do some “scratching” under DJ Bus Stop’s exacting directions.
  But then one night I heard thundering beats coming from the bedroom before I had even put some vinyl on. This is when the hairs on my neck stood on end…
     On the evening that I heard the mysterious music, which was Biggie Smalls doing ‘10 Crack Commandments,’ I rushed into my boyfriend’s bedroom screaming with happiness, figuring my beloved DJ Bus Stop had stopped being quadriplegic–and had put the record on the turntable himself! Instead, I was crestfallen to see that the turntable was empty and that my boyfriend’s face was contorted like he was ill.
     “What’s wrong, honey? Don’t you feel well?” I asked him.
     He opened his eyes and started crying. “Just listening to Biggie, darling,” he said.
     “How could that be?”
     “Sugar, I got so tired of asking you to DJ for me that I just started playing my set list in my head.”
     “You mean like now? Like you’re playing Slick Rick?
     DJ Bus Stop looked startled. “How’d you know I just put that dude into the mix?”
     “I don’t know. But I can hear him rapping clear as a bell.” Then I got an idea. I asked my boyfriend to start playing another song in his head–and rushed out of his bedroom, slamming the door behind me. At first I heard nothing but street sounds coming from outside. But shortly, low at first, then loud enough to hurt my eardrums, I was assaulted by the familiar sounds of ‘Can’t Touch This.’”
     I rushed back into the bedroom and shouted to my boyfriend, “That’s MC Hammer, isn’t it?”
     “Yes,” he replied, “I was playing that old-school legend in my head.”
       I was astounded. My boyfriend and I had entered an eerie new territory in our relationship. Every Friday, he began to entertain me with massive 4-hour DJ sets sent to my welcoming ears entirely via ESP.
     As he got crisper and better with his scratching, cross-fades and such, I just knew there was money in his talent. Yes, DJ Bus Stop was going to rise again. That’s when I used my considerable powers of persuasion to book his first show. If only I hadn’t, because of the shocking events that followed…
     I regret to this day that I booked my quadriplegic boyfriend to ’spin’ his ESP hip-hop to a crowded room at a local club. Now I have to admit, most legitimate clubs laughed in my face when I told them that DJ Bus Stop could play entire sets using only his mind–and that people could hear every track. The only place I was able to convince was this unsavory after-hours joint with a crowd made up of gangsters, pimps and adventurous college students.
     DJ Bus Stop was initially a smash. The crowd could hear him and the sound was crisp and clear because it was coming from his mind and not a muddy P.A. system. The whole place was jumping.
     But wouldn’t you know it, after he was about 45 minutes into his playlist a skinny little heckler began to annoy my boyfriend about playing only "old school" stuff. Now this tiny dude was an obviously wanna-be gangster who probably thought he could earn brownie points by making fun of the cripple. Well, DJ Bus Stop still has a monumental temper even though he can’t punch anybody out, and I could see it building by the second.
     But before I could intervene, something horrible happened. There was still a 12-inch vinyl record resting on another turntable from the previous DJ. Well, suddenly it lifted up and flew like a blur towards the heckler, striking him in the neck and severing his head from his body.
     Actually, it wasn’t a clean cut. The head only flopped over at first, with blood and gore spewing out, but when his body hit the ground, his head ripped off completely and rolled about three feet away from his torso. It all happened so fast, the baby gangster didn’t even have a look of surprise on his face. He still carried the smirk he’d been wearing all night.
     Everybody started screaming and one woman ran towards the exit throwing up. I was worried that a riot would break out and the angry crowd would attack DJ Bus Stop. But I was surprised when the owner of the club came out, grabbed a mic and reassured everybody that it was “all in the show.”
     The crowd quieted down and the club owner politely asked DJ Bus Stop to continue his set. Next he ordered his minions to mop up the mess. Fortunately, it turned out that the club owner was an old pal of the Notorious B.I.G. And both of them had hated the thumb-sucking baby gangster that my boyfriend had decapitated with a 12-inch version of Biggie’s “Me & My Bitch.” DJ Bus Stop had actually done the legend a favor! Was Biggie’s ghost involved? We’ll never know. Although to this day, no one can explain how “Me & My Bitch” got on that extra turntable—because the prior DJ had been spinning nothing but modern sexy soul.
     After the floor was cleaned up, the gangster’s body was cut up in a back room and thrown into a plastic pool where the club owner kept his pet crocodile collection. After a feeding frenzy, there was no evidence left.
     At the end of the night, the club owner handed DJ Bus Stop a fat check and told him he was welcome back anytime. My boyfriend was thrilled, but as far as I was concerned, his public DJ’ing career was over. I would never go through another night like that even if we were paid double.
     These days DJ Bus Stop’s only gig is playing for me in our living room. Every Friday night, I relax from a hard week’s work listening to sweet, sweet rap music sent to me via the extrasensory abilities of my quadriplegic boyfriend.
     Thanks for listening!

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Scientists Create Artificial Personalities for Those Who Have None.

   Here's what I'm being told:

     By 2021, at the latest, scientists expect an Artificial Personality product to be available for individuals who have been professionally diagnosed as wallflowers or bores.

     The device, available by prescription only, will sell for roughly $2,700. It will come in about 15 personalities, from coy and shy to ruthless and bold.

     Once injected, an individual will assume his or her new personality for approximately 4 hours, though a timed-release version lasting up to 36 hours (think Cialis), is already in development.

     Thus, for the first time in human history, dullards will be able to enjoy vivacious personalities unlike their own--with applications for romance, career advancement and, alas, politics.

posted by Doc Paranormal
Adjunct Professor of Esoteric Science
Edgar Allan Poe Community College

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Report: Restaurant Hires Uri Geller to Chill Patrons' Forks.

     Famed mentalist Uri Geller may have fallen on hard times, if what sources tell me is true.

     According to unconfirmed reports, Geller, famous for his spoon-bending exploits during the 70s and 80s, is going to be hired by a Moscow steak house to chill diners' forks with the power of his mind.

     As a Kremlin-watcher told me, "The chilled fork craze has hit Moscow with a vengeance. Looking to get a leg up on the competition, the exclusive steak house will hire Uri Geller to freeze forks table-side while chatting with a customer base composed of mobsters, oligarchs and corrupt politicians.

     "If successful, the program will grow to include the freezing of cutlery."

     reported by:
     Dan Lee Hope, Jr.
     Conspiracy Theories Curriculum
     Edgar Allan Poe Community College

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Charity Séance Collects Dollars from the Dead.

     A marathon, 24-hour séance has collected $1,763 to repair cracked crystal balls for indigent soothsayers, according to Heatherleen Glade, teaching assistant, Past Life Therapy at Edgar Allan Poe Community College.
    Heatherleen said the event took place in a Las Vegas hotel room about 75 miles from the EAPCC campus.
    “It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience,” Heatherleen told this reporter. “Fifteen of us held hands in a circle for 24 hours, surrounded by candles and the lively sounds of a Lindsay Stirling CD playing over and over again. The ever repeating music, while tedious in the extreme, did draw the attention of the leaping violinist’s many deceased fans.”
     Continued Heatherleen, “The money arrived in various ways. Typically a spirit would reveal where they had concealed cash when they were alive. Hundreds of dollars were found stashed inside VHS players, taped beneath cookie jars and at the bottom of urns filled with the ashes of loved ones.”
     Heatherleen said the lengthy séance tested the mettle of everyone involved. “We knew that if we broke the circle, many of the spirits would lose interest and go away. So we held hands continuously for all 24 hours, even during comfort breaks, when all fifteen of us would shuffle into the bathroom, turning our heads as each went to the toilet.
     “And holding hands throughout the séance created awkward moments at mealtime. Since we couldn’t grasp the food, it was shoved into our mouths by assistants who had cut it into bite-sized pieces. Drinking-wise, beverage containers were held beneath our chins and we sucked up the refreshing liquids through straws. All-in-all, the food was pretty good.”
     And how would Heatherleen feel about participating in another such lengthy séance?
     “At about the 12-hour mark my mind was screaming ‘never again!’ But know that I’ve had time to recover, I’m game to perform more charity work. Good deeds aren’t always easy!”
--reported by Doc Paranormal