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Friday, September 23, 2016

12 Shocking Celebrity Predictions for the Rest of 2016!

   I swear a solemn oath that these bold predictions will be widely praised as accurate before 2016 A.D. comes to a crashing close.

     Yours Truly,

     Precept Tabernacle Perfect
     World’s #1 Nigerian Soothsayer
     137% Accuracy Record
     Adjunct Professor of Prophecy, International Finance and Horror Film Production
     Edgar Allan Poe Community College
     Resident of Las Vegas pending extradition hearings

     This I Predict!!! So It Shall Be!!!

 1. Angelina Jolie will adopt ex-husband Brad Pitt.

 2. Comedian Leslie Jones will spend an unprecedented 60 consecutive minutes not trying to call attention to herself. It will be discovered that she was under sedation having a root canal.

 3. The MacGyver reboot will be cancelled before anyone learns the name of the new blond dude who plays MacGyver. On a positive note, his hair will win an Emmy.

4. Actor George Clooney will be caught pleasuring himself while watching ER reruns on the Washington Metro prior to testifying before Congress about a subject with which he is absolutely unfamiliar.

5. Survivor: U.S. contestants will live on a foreclosed island, scratching out a living on the minimum wage.

6. The entire cast of the next Big Brother will be out-of-work Twilight series stars.

7. McG will direct a re-make of Gone with the Wind, featuring Lady Gaga as Scarlett O’Hara and Dwyane "The Rock" Johnson as Rhett Butler.

8. Two weeks after that, Steven Spielberg will reveal his long-held plan to remake GWTW as a feature-length Claymation cartoon, with four pounds of genuine Georgia clay in the lead roles.

9. Adam Sandler will make a funny movie. Stunned beyond belief, Leonard Maltin will be wheeled from the screening on a gurney, suffering cardiac arrest.

10. Kanye West will be found dead. Twenty-four hours later, Kim Kardashian will wed O.J. Simpson.

11. Michael Strahan will reveal he is suffering from post-concussion syndrome after tackling and spiking George Stephanopoulos before a live audience on the set of Good Morning America.

12. It will dawn on even die-hard Bjork fans that she hasn't written a sing-along melody in her entire career.

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